A Cop's Life on the Street

- The running speed of a Belgian Malinois is at least twice that of the average out of shape tweaker. If you are going to attempt to outrun one, please calculate the "Rate x Time = Distance" formula ahead of time if you want to avoid getting your ass bitten.

- If they say they "just met" another person, then they are close friends who just committed a crime and don't want to be implicated with aforementioned friend.

-Anyone who goes out of their way to acknowledge you is hiding something. Anyone who goes out of their way to ignore you is hiding something.

- If you get called to a 911 hang-up and a guy answers the door with a 9 month old child in his arms and says "Oh, the baby must have accidentally dialed it," he means he was just involved in a domestic that he doesn't want you to know about. Sometimes the same guy has a $25k felony warrant as well.

- If you borrowed a BMW from a friend it's not unreasonable to expect you to know your friends last name.

- If you rob a gas station you're only going to get $20, but if I get to see a large K-9 dog use your arm as a chew toy, for all I care you can keep the $20.

- If I can see a 12 year old in your house finishing a beer bong I don't need a warrant.

- If they tell you they borrowed the jacket from a friend, just before you search it, they've got something, and it's still gonna be their jacket.

- Any person who absolutely cannot sit still or hold a relevant conversation to pertaining subject, and does not mention desperate need of the lavatory, is either: 1) illegally transporting something 2) under the influence or 3) has a felony warrant out for them.

- If I ask you the day or month you were born and you have to think about it I don't believe your answer.

- If the company you entertain includes crack, meth, and/or heroin users I may act like a professional when you call me for the burglary report but I'm secretly laughing my ass off at the poetic justice of the situation.

- Speaking to me and starting your phrase with, "Screw you, you can't do that....." will quickly make you the victim of your own ignorance.

- EVERYONE lies. The bad guys lie to try to get out of trouble, the victims lie to make their plight sound worse and/or to make the bad guy look worse. The truth is usually somewhere in between.

- Nobody in the history of the world has ever had "just a couple of beers" and then ended up in contact with law enforcement under circumstances where the amount of alcohol they have consumed is a factor.

- I know ALL my cousin's last names. Especially the ones that I know well enough to borrow their car. So should you... unless they aren't really your cousin.

- "I get a check" is not the answer that tells me you are a solid citizen when I ask you where you work.

- No bathroom, ANYWHERE, in any house, is large enough to fit everyone who was in the house when the shooting happened. If you tell me you were peeing outside when I point that out, you better be able to show me a wet spot.

- If you look right then left more than once while talking to my face, you are about to wear handcuffs or sit in the back seat of my unit, because I do not like foot pursuits.

- If I have to chase you, I'm bringing an ass kicking along with me.

- If I ask you "is there anything in the car that's illegal" and you say "not that I know of" or "there shouldn't be"..... I get very excited........It's like Christmas morning.

- If anyone, anywhere, asks you for change for a $1, you are about to be robbed.

-If it's a 3 o'clock pedestrian check, you ask the guy his name and he responds "Who Me?" he is wanted.

-"In the City" Or "In the county" or "over there" or "wif my auntie" is not an appropriate answer for "Where do you live?"

-People just don't 'find' the following items lying on the ground: guns,knives, box cutters, screwdrivers, crow bars, car stereos, crack, weed,excessive amounts of cash...

- Baby's Mama should be a checkable category on the U. S. Census form.

-"Up it Mother****er" is synonymous for "I am in need of cash, please give me yours."

-A trained officer can hit very little in a firefight. A street thug with a Saturday night special can shoot the balls off of a gnat at 50 paces.

-The 'Gaffenburg Slap,' 'Peronial Blast' and any number of assorted pressure points don't work well. The large Mag-Lites and older Kel-lites do.

Priceless

Jarod was doing his math homework. The question was something like you want to buy these flowers, but you don't have enough money, what do you do. He replied, "Use a credit card?"

We decided the answer was to buy one less flower. I like his original answer.