A Cop's Life on the Street

- The running speed of a Belgian Malinois is at least twice that of the average out of shape tweaker. If you are going to attempt to outrun one, please calculate the "Rate x Time = Distance" formula ahead of time if you want to avoid getting your ass bitten.

- If they say they "just met" another person, then they are close friends who just committed a crime and don't want to be implicated with aforementioned friend.

-Anyone who goes out of their way to acknowledge you is hiding something. Anyone who goes out of their way to ignore you is hiding something.

- If you get called to a 911 hang-up and a guy answers the door with a 9 month old child in his arms and says "Oh, the baby must have accidentally dialed it," he means he was just involved in a domestic that he doesn't want you to know about. Sometimes the same guy has a $25k felony warrant as well.

- If you borrowed a BMW from a friend it's not unreasonable to expect you to know your friends last name.

- If you rob a gas station you're only going to get $20, but if I get to see a large K-9 dog use your arm as a chew toy, for all I care you can keep the $20.

- If I can see a 12 year old in your house finishing a beer bong I don't need a warrant.

- If they tell you they borrowed the jacket from a friend, just before you search it, they've got something, and it's still gonna be their jacket.

- Any person who absolutely cannot sit still or hold a relevant conversation to pertaining subject, and does not mention desperate need of the lavatory, is either: 1) illegally transporting something 2) under the influence or 3) has a felony warrant out for them.

- If I ask you the day or month you were born and you have to think about it I don't believe your answer.

- If the company you entertain includes crack, meth, and/or heroin users I may act like a professional when you call me for the burglary report but I'm secretly laughing my ass off at the poetic justice of the situation.

- Speaking to me and starting your phrase with, "Screw you, you can't do that....." will quickly make you the victim of your own ignorance.

- EVERYONE lies. The bad guys lie to try to get out of trouble, the victims lie to make their plight sound worse and/or to make the bad guy look worse. The truth is usually somewhere in between.

- Nobody in the history of the world has ever had "just a couple of beers" and then ended up in contact with law enforcement under circumstances where the amount of alcohol they have consumed is a factor.

- I know ALL my cousin's last names. Especially the ones that I know well enough to borrow their car. So should you... unless they aren't really your cousin.

- "I get a check" is not the answer that tells me you are a solid citizen when I ask you where you work.

- No bathroom, ANYWHERE, in any house, is large enough to fit everyone who was in the house when the shooting happened. If you tell me you were peeing outside when I point that out, you better be able to show me a wet spot.

- If you look right then left more than once while talking to my face, you are about to wear handcuffs or sit in the back seat of my unit, because I do not like foot pursuits.

- If I have to chase you, I'm bringing an ass kicking along with me.

- If I ask you "is there anything in the car that's illegal" and you say "not that I know of" or "there shouldn't be"..... I get very excited........It's like Christmas morning.

- If anyone, anywhere, asks you for change for a $1, you are about to be robbed.

-If it's a 3 o'clock pedestrian check, you ask the guy his name and he responds "Who Me?" he is wanted.

-"In the City" Or "In the county" or "over there" or "wif my auntie" is not an appropriate answer for "Where do you live?"

-People just don't 'find' the following items lying on the ground: guns,knives, box cutters, screwdrivers, crow bars, car stereos, crack, weed,excessive amounts of cash...

- Baby's Mama should be a checkable category on the U. S. Census form.

-"Up it Mother****er" is synonymous for "I am in need of cash, please give me yours."

-A trained officer can hit very little in a firefight. A street thug with a Saturday night special can shoot the balls off of a gnat at 50 paces.

-The 'Gaffenburg Slap,' 'Peronial Blast' and any number of assorted pressure points don't work well. The large Mag-Lites and older Kel-lites do.